


Are We the Empire?

by Calipsan



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, That Mitchell and Webb Look (TV)
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 15:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15173969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calipsan/pseuds/Calipsan
Summary: Two Imperial officers come to an awkward realization.This is another collaboration with my husband!





	Are We the Empire?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by "That Mitchell and Webb Look" sketch titled "Nazis."

**Establishing shot, interior of Imperial Star Destroyer (ISD)  _ Invader _ . Captain STENN DANEEL is giving a tour of the ship to his new first officer, Commander HARLO PARKWOT.** 

 

DANEEL: You’ll find we run a tight ship here on the  _ Invader,  _ Commander Parkwot. Ever since the Rebels destroyed the Death Star, the Emperor has demanded the highest level of efficiency from his Star Destroyers.

 

PARKWOT: Yes, Captain Daneel, I did want to talk to you a bit about that.

 

DANEEL: Of course, Parkwot. You’ll want to familiarize yourself with the duty roster so as to best coordinate TIE fighter patrols.

 

PAR: No, it’s not the duty roster, as such, sir. It’s the names.

 

DAN: The names?

 

PAR: Yes. Have you given much thought to the names of the ships we serve on?

 

DAN: Yes. No. Not really. Why do you ask?

 

PAR: They’re called  _ Star Destroyers. _

 

DAN: ...and?

 

PAR: Captain Daneel… are we the baddies?

 

**Smash cut to DANEEL and PARKWOT standing over a map table of a star system with several icons indicating Imperial and Rebel ships.**

 

DANEEL: Once we’ve reached the Thrognar System, the  _ Agonizer _ , the  _ Obliterator, _ and the  _ Malice _ will jump in here, blocking the Rebels’ escape. We’ll have them surrounded!

 

PARKWOT: It’s just... the names…

 

DAN: Oh, you’re not going on about that again!

 

PAR: They just all sound distinctly awful!   
  


DAN: I simply don’t know what you’re talking about!

 

PAR: Here, let me try something. What was the last ship you served on?

 

DAN: The  _ Inflictor! _

 

PAR: And before that?

 

DAN: The  _ Infernal! _

 

PAR: And before that?

 

DAN: Oh, that was a lovely ship! The  _ Impending Doom! _

 

PAR: Are you not seeing a pattern?

 

**DANEEL thinks for a moment, then a realization dawns on him.**

 

DAN: My god! They all start with the letter I! 

 

PAR: Well, as tremendous a coincidence as that is, that wasn’t really the point I was attempting to make.

 

DAN: What, then?

 

PAR: Captain Daneel, do any of those ships, even a single one of them, sound like the kind of ship that you’d be the  _ slightest _ bit happy to hear had arrived at your home planet?

 

DAN: Well… I mean… Perhaps all of these are things we’re about to do to the Rebels! We’re going to  _ inflict _ some of our  _ infernal, impending doom  _ upon them… for rebelling.

 

PAR: Right, but it’s not called the  _ Impending Doom, But Don’t Worry, It’s Going to Be Okay so Long as You’re on Our Side.  _ Whereas, if you look at the names of the Rebel ships there’s  _ Home One _ , the  _ Providence _ , the  _ Viscount _ \--

 

DAN **pointing emphatically**: Viscounts are poncey!

 

PAR: Captain, I think if you’ll listen to our accents for just a moment you’ll realize we’re in no position to criticize others for being a bit poncey.

 

DAN: Well, I... **raises cup of tea, about to take a sip. Notices his pinky is raised.** Shit! **Throws his cup across the room.**

 

**Offscreen shout: “Oh I say!”**

 

PAR **pulling up a ship manifest**: Meanwhile look at the rest of the Imperial fleet. We have the  _ Ripclaw _ , the  _ Subjugator _ , the  _ Eviscerator _ , the  _ Tyranny _ , the  _ Tyrannic and _ the  _ Tyrant _ . There’s a certain ethos being expressed here. 

 

DAN: Oh, you haven’t been reading Rebel propaganda, have you?!

 

PAR: Of course not, but they didn’t get to name our ships, did they?

 

DAN: What about the _ Magic Dragon _ , that sounds nice!

 

PAR: The  _ Magic Dragon _ is captained by a spice-addled smack head! Of course his ship sounds nice. It’s a veritable Hutt pleasure palace in there.

 

DAN: How about the  _ Chimaera _ ? Chimaeras are fun!

 

PAR: But they’re still the baddies!

 

DAN: Wait. Isn’t  _ our _ fleet called…

 

PAR: Death Squadron. Led by the  _ Executor _ . 

 

**They stare at each other a moment, their brows furrowed. Smash cut to PARKWOT and DANEEL in the mess hall. Several empty bottles of liquor are on the table. Both men have loosened their collars and removed their hats. DANEEL is smoking as he paces in an agitated state.**

 

DAN: Obviously, the Empire must have done  _ something  _ good for the rest of the Galaxy!

 

PAR: It must!

 

DAN: Read the list back to me.

 

PAR: Alright, here it is…

 

**He picks up a crumpled piece of paper with scrawled writing on it**

 

PAR: We crushed the Separatists!

 

DAN: Right! The Separatists! Treacherous dogs!

 

PAR: ...and then we executed all of the prisoners.

 

DAN: Ah.

 

PAR: We outlawed slavery!

 

DAN: Yes! Outlawed slavery! Very good!

 

PAR: ...except the thousands of Wookiees that we enslaved to build the Death Star.

 

DAN: Bit of a wash, there. 

 

PAR: We enforce Galactic peace!

 

DAN: Love it.

 

PAR: ...under threat of planetary annihilation. Which we did. To an unarmed planet which hadn’t actually declared war on anyone.

 

**DANEEL takes a long drag at his cigarette. He looks at PARKWOT. PARKWOT looks back at DANEEL, his lower lip quivering.**

 

PAR: Stenn, have you ever worked with Darth Vader? Personally.

 

DAN: Well, on Empire Day I saw him at a parade once. Bit imposing.

 

PAR: I have. 

 

DAN: And?

 

PAR: He picked a man up with a single hand, broke his neck like a twig, and threw his corpse across a hallway. 

 

DAN: I saw the Emperor give inspection once.

 

PAR: Yes?

 

DAN: I didn’t hear much except for the maniacal cackling.

 

**Both look off camera. Zoom in on propaganda poster reading “SUBMIT! OR LORD VADER WILL KILL YOU.” Swoop and zoom in on a couple of stormtroopers playing darts. Instead of a bullseye, the target is two cowering human silhouettes, one a woman the other a small child. Both stormtroopers throw their darts, missing horribly. Swoop and zoom to a Grand Admiral in a white uniform with Wookiee fur epaulets.**

 

GRAND ADMIRAL **bragging to another officer**: ...the Wookiee begged me not to kill him, but then I did anyway!  

 

**Both officers give poncey and evil laughs**

 

DAN: Right…

 

PAR: So…

 

**Cut to the shot of an escape pod rocketing out of its housing and accelerating away from the ISD  _ Invader _ .**

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
